I look into The Mirror and Repeat to Myself, Weston James Palmer 2015 - 2018, Book

2020-03-29

Words by Aleksandra Gerasimets

My journey – the actual beginning of it - started with me one day realizing that I wasn’t happy. I felt emptiness. I knew that there was so much to discover about myself, but I had a feeling that I was gradually moving further away from whom I was. I was confused. Instead of listening to my own voice of intuition, I was paying attention to the noise around me – the noise of so called wisdom of what one should or shouldn’t do, of what is right and what is wrong. But on that specific day, I felt the urge of change. Partly it was due to the coincidence of circumstances: I miraculously lost my job, a job which I hated. But mainly it was due to the deep-rooted feeling of unhappiness. On that day my teeth were sore - I got my braces put on – and I knew that the winds of change started to blow my way.

I decided to move towards my happiness and towards what I’d truly enjoy doing … art … visuals … philosophy … I have always loved observing my surroundings, noticing and connecting the details. I had no idea though how something of all that could become a real profession. I didn’t even know what exactly I wanted to do. But there was one thing I strongly believed in: we are here to be happy and to evolve. We are given a chance to fulfill our purpose. And I just had to find my purpose, my path! Easy! Right?! … Not really … But at least I had to try. Besides, if everything goes terribly wrong, I could go and live in a cabin (inspired by Henry David Thoreau). I’d grow vegetables, having previously learned more about the subject, read, think and observe nature all day every day.

“That’s perfect, I’m a failure,” I thought to myself. “Let’s search for my place in the art world …“ So, with a great variety of insecurities and very little idea about art world, I started to walk towards my path.

First, I had to study some things about art and explore the possibilities. Information is, after all, now more available than ever. I was spending a lot of time in the libraries or at home (no complaint there, I enjoy that). During this ‘exploratory’ phase, which never ends, I came across some books on museums and exhibition-making. [First lesson I’ve learned and I’m still learning is that the right information - the necessary hints - comes to you when you are alert and when you follow your own path.]

The whole new world was opening up to me: the world of telling stories, developing concepts, discovering new artists, embracing different forms of art and letting them converse … the world of learning and mastering the visual language – universal, yet very subjective and personal. The world of Curating! The timid voice of my true passion started to awaken. I felt that curating was the way of creating spaces where each soul could flourish in its unique way. It was about going deeper and giving food for thought, without imposing one truth or giving the right answer. It was about freedom and philosophizing on multiple truths.

After discovering that there existed an exciting world of curating and finding out what my path might be, I had to think about the way of experimenting and learning. And Instagram

became my ongoing, everlasting exhibition, a space where I could ‘train’ my eye and vision as a curator. I was learning to connect artworks with poetry and philosophy, to tell stories and to create a harmonious visual experience of a ‘total artwork’, or ‘synthesis of the arts’.

While I was busy with Instagram and experimentation, a very interesting and unexpected surprise was waiting for me. An artist whose works I loved noticed my ‘Instagram exhibition’ and we started to talk. That was Weston. The incredible thing is that it turned out we had so much in common! We were on the same page and I felt that I wasn’t walking alone anymore. [Another lesson I’ve learned is that in the right moment the right people come into your life … when you least expect it, but you are truly ready for changes.]

During one of our conversations, Weston told me something that marked the whole new chapter for me, a Journey with an uppercase J! “I’d like you to curate a book of my works,” he told me. “I’m open to ideas. I trust you and I want to give you total freedom as curator … “

At that moment my inner insecurities came to the surface once again. I have never done a book in my life. I had no experience as a curator. I looked up to Weston as an artist and I was afraid of not being good enough. But I had to decide whether to stop hiding and take this opportunity, or to continue in my cozy shell with no risk of failure.

These were the calculations during my decision-making process:

books to curate 1
guidelines 0
clears ideas of what to do 0
previous experience 0
experience in page layout software 0
people whom I don’t want to disappoint 1+∞
fears ∞
excitement ∞

Taking into consideration all of the above calculations – I was never really good in maths – the decision was obvious to me … I had to curate this book!

I started by developing a concept based on how I perceived Weston’s journey as an artist. I was going through all of his journal entries thoroughly, through his works and thoughts, through the process of his exploration as an artist. Our long conversations helped me to understand his experience even better. It inspired and resonated with me so much! I didn’t want to miss any important detail. I had to draw the accurate landscape of Weston’s journey visually – his paintings and photographs being the brushstrokes. I was experimenting with layouts, arranging the images according to concept, at the same time struggling with the mysteries of the page layout software. When the curation part was finally complete – the images were selected and laid out on the pages visually narrating Weston’s journey and experience as an artist, based on what I’d read in his journal and heard from him personally - I could not wait to share it with Weston. Yet another big challenge was waiting for me along my Journey …

“Something is missing here,” Weston told me. “I have an idea: I think it would be interesting if you tell my experience, if you adapt my journey into written guidelines, highlighting the main points which could inspire others in their exploration to be an artist and at the same time connecting the thoughts and observations with the visual part already presented. After all you are now in the beginning of your own journey as a curator, so let’s use this navigation system in practice … What do you think?” All that I could think was that he was crazy! There were a couple of inconveniences here: I am not a writer and English is not my mother tongue. Writing has always been torture for me. How do I find the right words? How do I write the book with no experience at all? How do I face my fears once again?

The calculations this time were the following:

books to write 1
ideas 0
previous experience in writing a book 0
anxiety ∞

Now that you are already familiar with my scarce knowledge of maths, guess what my answer was… Yes, I agreed to write the book! The desire of freeing myself from my own prison was stronger than the fear of the unknown. This was the hardest part. I had to create a union of visuals and words, to mark the main points on the map of Weston’s journey, to intertwine the images with philosophical observations, whilst leaving some space for thoughts. And most importantly, I had to make Weston’s voice - taken from our deep conversations and his journal - heard throughout the book.

First version of the written text wasn’t great at all. Weston wasn’t impressed. I wasn’t impressed either and I had a breakdown. The thoughts about running away to a cabin were more appealing than ever. All of a sudden I felt that everything was breaking into pieces and I wasn’t able to complete the project. I decided to distance myself from the process for a couple of weeks, to pick the pieces back up and glue them together. I came to the realization that I couldn’t live life avoiding pain or mistakes. Everything is a part of the learning experience and the path towards the true self. Thankfully, I could count on Weston’s support along the way. We were inspiring each other, back and forth, through the whole process. It took lots of trial and error, tears and hard work to finally write the book and connect all the pieces into the whole. This Journey hasn’t been an easy one for me, but I can say with confidence now, that it has been worth it.

Interestingly enough, this book has become a navigation system during my own Journey, guiding me through the hard times and helping me to exert myself. And the result is right before your eyes: my first project as a curator. Holding this book, you have proof in your hands that no matter how little experience or how many fears you have, anything is possible. Free yourself from fears and insecurities and commit to your dreams!